When clients embark on their therapy journey, they often share a common goal: finding ways to manage their emotions. It's completely understandable—nobody wants to feel sad, anxious, or grapple with any uncomfortable feelings. Emotions can sometimes feel like the enemy. However, trying to control them can lead to judging those emotions, which can create even more challenges along the way.
You will hear me often discuss the idea that “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” In this case, suffering is the judgment or attempts to control emotions, not the emotions themselves.
Imagine this: Let’s say someone feels sad because their group of friends did something fun and did not invite them to join. Being excluded is painful, and this pain usually includes emotions like sadness, jealousy, or even anger. Experiencing these emotions is not pleasant.
However, what can be even more unpleasant is when the same person has thoughts like
“It is so dumb for me to be sad about this?”
“What is wrong with me, why would I cry over just being left out?”
“I can’t believe I am really making such a big deal out of this, it pisses me off that I can’t just get over it.”
The suffering here is judging how you feel because you have created rules on what you should and should not feel, how long you should feel something or something else that is meant to “contain” your emotions in some way.
It sucks to be left out, but it sucks more to be left out AND talk down to yourself about he fact you are upset about it.
So, how do we work on not judging ourselves for how we feel? One way is to recognize that emotions have a purpose.
Every emotion communicates something to us.
Happiness: I like this, this is meaningful to me, we should do this more often
Sadness: I care about this, I lost something, something is missing
Anxiety: Let’s be safe, watch out, I need protection
Anger: something crossed my boundaries, something isn’t right, we need to defend
Disgust: Avoid this thing, this could be threatening
Guilt: “I did something wrong.” “That isn’t in line with who I want to be”
Jealousy: “That is something I want.”, There is a gap between what I have and what I want
When you look at this list, do you recognize that none of these are inherently bad? If so, why do we dismiss them or judge ourselves for them?
So when we ask what the point of feeling our emotions is, the point is that they communicate something to us, that they have a purpose.
Maybe I don’t realize how much I value one of my friends until I am sad they leave me out of something. Maybe I don't realize that something is off in my relationship until I get mad and then identify the boundary being crossed. Maybe feeling guilty after I cut someone off in traffic helps motivate me to drive safely going forward because it helps me recognize that is not something I like doing. When I am anxious about going to an event, it helps me make sure I am on time.
Obviously, sometimes our emotions seem out of proportion to things, or their function gets in the way of something else but battling our emotions isn’t the way forward.
So why feel our emotions?
How would your life look different if you simply acknowledged your emotions and felt them without judging yourself or trying to control them? Would you end up potentially having a nice night in when you are excluded from the group? Would you be able to focus on your test more if you weren’t judging the fact you were anxious on top of already feeling anxious? Would you set boundaries that are needed in your relationship if you acknowledged why you got angry rather than beat yourself up for the fact you got angry? Who knows.
I challenge you to try and notice when you judge your feelings. You have to notice it to do anything different. Try reminding yourself that your emotion is trying to tell you something and has a role. I am not saying that it makes pain go away, but it helps relieve suffering.
Ready to explore how understanding and embracing your emotions can transform your life? Let’s work together to uncover the purpose behind your feelings and reduce suffering. Schedule a free consultation today through the contact form below and take the first step toward emotional freedom and self-compassion.
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